The Not Totally Accurate And Maybe Somewhat Made Up True Account Of The Filmography Of The Actor Leonardo DiCaprio And That One Time That He Lived For A While

Leonardo DiCaprio wakes up in a large chair next to a warm fire. He knows it’s on Shutter Island because he feels insane. He shakes himself. He was Jack. On the Titanic. Getting arrested for some horse-shit crime he didn’t commit. How is he suddenly here? It doesn’t matter, what matters is that he gets back on set. Cameron would be going ape-shit. It’s an expensive film. He leaves the room, only to be accosted by Robert De Niro wielding an empty jar of mustard. De Niro forces him to the ground and pushes it against his eye socket, “Does it look fucking empty to you?!” He screams right at Leonardo’s face. Leonardo is young again, and scared. De Niro is a good actor. Leonardo really believes that De Niro is going to choke the life out of him as his hands slip around his throat. Thankfully De Niro is smacked over the back of the head by Ellen Barkin, his mother. No, Tobias Wolff’s mother. He gets back up and finds the nearest exit. De Niro thinks that maybe he’ll just go and die in a ditch somewhere.

Outside, Leonardo finds his way into a western town, complete with a gun slinging tournament. Sharon Stone takes pot shots at him and Gene Hackman calls him names. Bewildered, he doesn’t know where to turn, when a car pulls up and a heavily made up Ken Watanabe, who looks so ancient he’s probably nearly dead, calls out to him to get in. He does, quickly, bullets perforate the door. Inside, Ken starts talking about the best way to cook corn or something, he keeps saying cob anyhow. Leonardo wants out. The car stops and he takes the opportunity to dive from it. When he finishes rolling he’s in South Africa, and he’s got a South African accent. He doesn’t speak, he just knows it’s true.

Leonardo Dicaprio gets up and runs and runs for miles, just anywhere. He runs so far he ends up at a beach, not The Beach, a different one, he can see an old oriental style castle on a cliff. He runs into the water, where Rose is floating on a bit of wood. He can’t get on as well because she’s stupid and won’t shift her weight. He dunks his head under the water to try and drown himself to make her feel bad, but he gets scared of dying and raises his head to breathe in some air.

When he comes out of the water he’s at a party in some mansion. There’s a hot girl, not Rose, looking at him through a fish tank. She’s only thirteen, but Leonardo don’t care. He chases her and courts her, even though it’s forbidden. Her family get pissed at him and they have a ruckus. Mercutio dies! He eventually kills himself because he’s so madly in love with her, thinking he could trick everybody into thinking he’s dead so they could run away together. Only, the plan works too well and he actually dies. Juliet kills herself too, because she doesn’t realise that you can fall in love with more than one actor in your life time, there’s no limit. Only, he didn’t die, it was a ruse.

When he wakes up next he’s in a hotel room and Joseph Gordon-Levitt is busy pulling up his trousers and looking flustered. Christopher Nolan is rubbing his palms together, saying this will be a cult smash in Hollywood. Would he consider being the new Robin?

Tom Hanks busts down a wall and chases Leonardo. Leonardo is not Leonardo, but Frank Abagnale Junior, he just pretended to be Leonardo DiCaprio to try and escape prosecution but now Tom Hanks is on his tail again. He jumps through an air conditioning vent and climbs up through a manhole, in a busy street. He runs into a shop but it’s a bedroom inside. He climbs into a draw and when he closes it he’s under a bed sheet. He fumbles until he finds the edge, and when he throws it off he’s in a kitchen and Kate Winslet is arguing with him. She’s tiny. When she looks at him she is confused. What happened to Jim? Michel Gondrey says that Leonardo (he weren’t aware of the switched identity) would be playing Jim Carrey now. He got the idea from David Lynch. Jim Carrey is standing just off to the side, pulling wacky faces at Leonardo, trying to put him off. Kate and Leonardo haven’t lost their chemistry and the film’s a hit.

Leonardo dissolves into thousands of microscopic beetles racing against the clock to pull the iceberg into the path of the Titanic, which has drifted off course, all the way down to Cape Town, lest the boat never be made to sink, and all of this doesn’t happen.

Long live Leonardo!


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